"Because, you see, in life, every triumph begins with failure." - from The Grimm Conclusion, by Adam Gidwitz I was going to use a completely different quote to begin this post, but when I opened my quotebook (quotes + notebook) to find it, I landed on the above quote and thought, "Oh, perfect!" Moments like that are why I don't quite believe in coincidences.
So we're not starting at the very beginning so much as we are the relevant beginning. Life has lots of beginnings and ends. To keep the quote train going, "we all change...we're all different, all through our lives....As long as you remember the people that you used to be" (Eleventh Doctor, Doctor Who). So this story is going to span between two beginnings, starting with the biggest, most brutal change of them all. Part of me wants to go deep into detail. The smarter part of me - the one that knows how public this is - is going to settle for a condensed version. Considering the length of the condensed version so far, I'm both curious about and afraid of what the details might look like. When I was thirteen, I got really sick. The symptoms were a jumble of inexplicable, unconnected aggravations that had doctor after doctor throwing darts at a bingo board of diagnoses. Finally, a doctor who passed medical school when patient care > money (this jab will be relevant later) discovered that the symptoms were connected, all indicating variant brain wiring. This particular neurodivergence (I love that word; it's such a fun word) is actually pretty pervasive. In fact, it's the most common of its type, making up about 60% of its category. Unfortunately, it's also a sneaky little bugger that doesn't show up on all the typical brain tests. As such, most doctors (in this case, quacks) can't/won't diagnose it because they don't believe what they can't see and have an "I'm right and you're wrong" complex, hence the need to see a specialist who gives a s#!t. Once upon a Time, Bill Nye the Science Guy did a show depicting neurons going from point A to point B as cars driving on a huge highway. With this analogy in mind, my neuron-cars go 80mph in the 55 zone on NJ highways during construction season with a GPS that hasn't been updated with said construction zones. That's basically all neurodivergence in a nutshell; the different types just depend on where the detours and construction are. It speaks to the sort of bullshit I dealt with from my middle school "peers" (and some teachers!) on a daily basis that my response was to cheer "I'm not crazy! I'm not a psycho!" Kids can be cruel. My second day in high school, I broke down because of the grueling pace and the exponential increase in bullying (I'd been bullied for as long as I could remember, but high school was a whole new level of hell) and explained my situation to the nurse. There was a strong push to get me classified as disabled, which at the time would've been a death sentence. The whole school would know and I would have someone following me around and treating me like a live grenade with a faulty pin and/or emotionally abusing and manipulating me (one of my clearest first grade memories is of a minder putting bad marks on a student's chart just because she didn't agree with something he said - and telling him as much as he pleaded for her not to). So that was a big "no f***ing way." If it weren't for Latin and English, I wouldn't have lasted in high school for nearly as long as I did. Mrs. C was especially my saving grace, both encouraging my writing while pushing me to my limits. She was one of the few teachers I felt comfortable sharing my stories and poetry with (I used to share a lot, but increased bullying = decreased sharing). Writing has always been my passion and my outlet, and I'm still much better at putting words on a page than I am speaking them aloud. That fall, we read The Odyssey, which has always been one of my most favorite stories of all time (thank you, Dad and Wishbone), and did all sorts of amazing projects for it. The final assignment included the option of a personal Odyssey, where we wrote about a tough journey of our own. I was right in the middle of my diagnostic Odyssey, so I thought, "hey, might as well write about that." The end result is a masterpiece I will never regret writing. The aftermath started the snowball and downhill spiral. I know, this is very much a cliffhanger ending for Part 1, but just this much has been extremely tough to write. Part of me is still terrified of putting this out there, because as much as everyone talks about Equal Opportunity Employment and not judging based on neuro and psychiatric differences, there are still people who judge and who will always judge. There will always be people who will cannot or will not understand or empathize with people's struggles. But then, only two days after I started this blog, something happened to remind me why I'm doing this. One of my favorite actresses Tweeted from a fan festival apologizing for leaving a party early, explaining that she had a neurological disability that was triggered by strobe lights. I just sat and stared at that Tweet and a weight fell off my shoulders that I didn't realize I'd been carrying. Not only was I reminded that I was not alone, but that it's possible to be neurologically nuanced and go on to be extraordinary. So I am posting this, and I will post part 2 when I have the strength for it. Part 2 will cover the events that led to me dropping out of high school and why it was the best thing for me. I'll also cover finally regaining some neurological stability so I could move forward with my life. Until next time, readers. Keep on keeping on.
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AuthorA strange little girl who's great with typing but not with speaking. Archives
May 2020
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